Emmitt Smith’s Top 20 Stupid quotes
February 22, 2008
You would think a prestigious, well-known network like ESPN, would put their future sports analysts thru some sort of training and/or mock shows prior to exposing them to the millions of american viewers. Number 3 is great…
- “Wade [Phillips] inherit this success.” (Commentary: That may be true, but it also looks like someone will be inheriting Emmitt’s seat on Sunday NFL Countdown sometime soon.)
- “My game-breaker go to Brett Favre.” (Commentary: And my dictionary go to Emmitt. Please, Emmitt, start reading.)
- “And when defense felt my will, it was a total different game then.” (Commentary: Scoring touchdowns? Easy. Using adverbs? Impossible.)
- “The Packers don’t has a running game.” (Commentary: And if this keeps up, ESPN will not has good ratings.)
- “This team have not played confident football in three weeks.” (Commentary: I love it how Emmitt refuses to use contractions. Emmitt doesn’t cut corners!)
- “He gets the ball over to their third read than most quarterback can.” (Commentary: I think Emmitt forgot a word here, but at least he didn’t say “He get the ball over…”)
- “Mike Martz have this offense rollin’” (Commentary: And Emmitt have this grammar thing rollin’… NOT.)
- “The Pittsburgh Steelers are not as good as everyone think they are.” (Commentary: What is Emmitt talking about? I thinks the Steelers is good!”)
- “He deserve to be coach of the year.” (Commentary: I wasn’t sure who should be coach of the year, but Emmitt really swayed me with that argument.”)
- “He’s gonna be the guy Tom Brady look for on third downs.” (Commentary: And I don’t think Emmitt’s gonna be the guy Webster look for when he updates his dictionary.)
- “It takes a coach who know how to communicate.” (Commentary: And it takes an analyst who “know” how to communicate too - unless you’re working for ESPN.)
- “He turn around and go deep on Dre’ Bly” (Commentary: Career touchdowns, 175. Career rushing yards, 18,355. Career verbs conjugated, 0.)
- “Brett Favre went into Dallas nine times and have a big goose egg.” (Commentary: And I bet Emmitt had tons of big goose eggs on his grammar tests when he was in high school.)
- “I love those style of play that the Tennessee Titans bring to the game.” (Commentary: What a coincidence! I love those grammatical error that Emmitt bring to the Sunday NFL Countdown!)
- “Let’s see if he step up big today and play great for the Chargers.” (Commentary: I tried to look up if the word “he” can be used as plural. Instead of giving me an answer, Dictionary.com called me an idiot and crashed my computer.)
- “All your base are belong to us.” (Commentary: OK, maybe Emmitt didn’t really say that, but I guarantee he was hired to translate for CATS. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, Check this out. Someone really needs to make a mix video of CATS and Emmitt talking to each other.)
- “That offense does… do look good.” (Commentary: He was actually about to say “That offense does look good,” but changed what he said mid-sentence to “That offense do look good.” I’m speechless. How can someone be so poor at grammar? Did CATS really say, “All of your bases belong… All your base are belong to us?”)
- “He just need a runnin game to help him.” (Commentary: And Emmitt need Hooked on Phonics to help him.)
- “Giants has too many guys in the secondary banged up.” (Commentary: Ahhh, the tricky has-have dilemma. When do you use “has?” When do you use “have?” This has puzzled writers for years.)
- “All those things messes with the mentality of your ball club.” (Commentary: And all of these Emmitt quotes messes with the mentality of my brain.)
- “I’m concerned about a guy who fall down before get hits.” (Commentary: And I’m concerned about a guy who speak before he conjugate his verb and puts the “s” in the wrong place, but you don’t see me making a big fuss over it.)
Texas Chili Cook Off
February 18, 2008
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park…
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: ‘Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.’
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Great BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Bar maid pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is ch ili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if ; I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least durin g the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor ; feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No Report
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