What I’m thinking about right now….

Hungry? Is it 12pm? 12am? 3am? Head to Towson Diner right near the Towson University campus. Cure any hangover, or prevent one!

718 York Rd
Baltimore, MD 21204
(410) 321-0407

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Cool new recipe site I came across…

Top Secret Recipes

Recipes from some of your favorite restaurants…the site is put together real nicely. Only problem…..they charge you $0.79 for each recipe. Now, I know that some of you will laugh at the amount, but others–Gizseppe–would have a heart attack….

Check it out and let me know what you think.

The Chef

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That’s All I Have to Say About That….

I’m not going to say anything about this post. I’m just posting it. That is all….

How We Met:
We were introduced through my old roommate, [name omitted for security purposes], at that time she was my manager at Victoria Secret. Her and [name omitted for security purposes] had been friends for sometime and one night after work I went with her to meet him out for a few drinks. We would hang out with [name omitted for security purposes] and his roommates once in a while and go out dancing. About a year after we first met me, [name omitted for security purposes], [name omitted for security purposes] and his roommates all went to the beach for a weekend. [name omitted for security purposes] and I had a chance to spend some time together that weekend and we obviously felt a connection because when we returned home we started hanging out a lot more. We have spent pretty much every day together since then.

How We Got Engaged:
[name omitted for security purposes] said that he wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate his first paycheck at his new job, I didn’t think to much of it and said okay. We were in the middle of Phase 1 of the South Beach diet so our restaurant options were pretty much limited to seafood so [name omitted for security purposes] had me choose between 2 very nice places in Geargetown. I told him that we did not need to go to such an expensive place, he said to just pick one, so I picked Tommy & Joes on the waterfront. Now that I look back on that day I can pick out so many different things that should have given away the fact that he was planning to do something special that night. We got to the restuarant and were seated, we ordered or food and some wine. While we were eating we somehow got into a discussion about marriage. Of course that was my opening to make a comment about us not being engaged. He told me that guys don’t think about that stuff all of the time. I said that that is exactly why I have to make my comments, this way it stays fresh in his mind I told him that the least he could do is tell me that he loves me very much and that he does want to spend the rest of his life with. At that time he said, “Well, I do love you and I do want to spend the rest of my life with you, so WILL YOU MARRY ME?” This whole time I had my head down playing with my food on my plate, once he said that last par I looked up and went straight into shock. I always thought I would cry my eyes out when he did this but all I could do was say “Nuh uh! Are you serious?” I then paused for about 30 seconds not saying anything, then he was like “sooooo?” At that point I of course said “YES!” I stayed in shock for a few days after that

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You Know it Was a Good Night When…..

Regardless of gender, race, sexuality, ethnicity, or gender…wait, I already said that, we’ve all had those mornings when you wake up at the foot of your bed, covered only by the 2′ x 3′ Corona beach towel with the hot cartoon model that your girlfriend is embarrassed to see you bring to the beach every summer (that’s for another time), only to realize that you can’t remember one single thing from the previous night (thank St. Francis for the Guinness family!)….worse yet, some 200lbs. heffer with a half-eaten Double Whopper with Cheese resting between her chi-chis is asleep on your bed! Rather than doing the honorable thing and performing Seppuku and ending it all, just remember all the mornings when….

1.      You wake up in the morning and have to pull two dozen long hairs off of your Johnson before you can pee….

2. You wake up in the morning and you are wearing a pink thong that doesn’t belong to your ex-girlfriend…
3. You wake up next to the toilet and find that Bed Bath and Beyond gift certificate behind the tank.
4. You look in the toilet and find three condoms that weren’t used in a water balloon fight….
5. You take your morning piss and your nozzle is on spray instead of stream…..
6. You take your morning piss and your stream resembles the spreader gun in Contra….
7. Your boss calls you in the morning to ask why you haven’t been at work for a week and a half…..
8. You wake up next to a prostitute named Guadalupe and her screaming two year old, Fernando…..and you’re in Tijuana….
9. Your coworker asks you if you are wearing the same shirt you were wearing yesterday….
10. Your HR manager calls you into her office to discuss sexual harassment policy #XJ-39, and the list of approved Xerox machine usage.
11. You remember her name…..or don’t, it really doesn’t matter.
12. You wake up next to your best friend’s sister and not his mom for once….
13. You wake up in an empty jail cell, instead of in a cell with a 379lb. Black man named Tiny draped around you……like last weekend.
14. You wake up next to a girl that doesn’t look like Bea Arthur….
15. You wake up next to Courtney Love’s less slutty half sister named Amanda….
16. You wake up and find a tattoo on your penis and not Herve Villechaize from Fantasy Island….unlike that two week span in college when you thought you were gay.
17. You wake up to find a stripper pole has been installed in your kid’s playroom….
18. You wake up and find that Chief Runs Naked with Men has given you his daughter instead of his “pipe” to smoke….
19. You lucked out because the fat chow hound that you went home with left early to catch the $1.99 Grand Slam at Denny’s….
20. You wake up and find that you didn’t drunk text your ex-girlfriend to tell her that she is a cheating, hog smoking cunt….and that you still love her…..
21. The 6’4” blonde that you woke up next to doesn’t have a penis….
22. You didn’t wake up next to Tommy Lee….
23. Your mom lets you sleep in….
24. You wake up and “I’m an Ass Clown” isn’t written on your forehead in permanent marker…

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The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. “Football.” b. “Golf.” c. “How fat you are.” d. “How I would spend the insurance money if you died.”

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: “Yes!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include: a. “Oh yeah, sh*tloads.” b. “Would it make you feel better if I said yes?” c. “That depends on what you mean by love.” d. “Does it matter?” e. “Who, me?”

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect answers are: a. “Compared to what?” b. “I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.” c. “A little extra weight looks good on you.” d. “I’ve seen fatter.” e. “Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.”

Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include: a. “Yes, but you have a better personality.” b. “Not prettier, but definitely thinner.” c. “Not as pretty as you when you were her age.” d. “Define pretty.” e. “Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.”

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Ferrari and a boat.”)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not — don’t you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Man: Okay, I’d get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can’t use them — she’s left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.

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My letter to KFC and parent Yum! Brands

 Thought you guys might get a kick out of this letter that I sent to KFC parent company, Yum!  Brands after I was tantalized by KFC’s new “Wrapstar” which is only available in the

 UK. Apparently, I have nothing better to do then write letters to fast food companies—I’m still  convinced that I was the reason Chipotle made it to Bmore—to beg them for food……anyway,  enjoy.

 ************************************ Hello. My name is The Chef and I’m a publicist and loyal Yum! Brands consumer—Taco Bell & Long John Silvers. On a recent trip to

Europe I was stopped dead in my tracks when I saw that KFC had a new item on the menu–The Wrapstar. I have been singing praises for Taco Bell’s “Crunch Wrap Supreme” since the first day that it hit the market and have converted hundreds of long-time Taco Bell detractors to once again, “run for the border” convincing them to “think outside of the bun.” Again, I’m in PR, so I understand the value of good word of mouth marketing, but I digress.  Unfortunately, during my time in the

U.K., I was never able to make it to KFC to try out the new Wrapstar, but promised myself that when I returned to the States, that the first thing that I would do is head to KFC to try one out. Now, I probably haven’t set foot in a KFC for at least 10 years–I’ve grown up on Popeye’s Chicken—but I figured, “hey, if this Wrapstar is even close to as good as the Crunch Wrap, well then I may have to make a switch.” And how could it not be good? I mean, two crispy chicken strips, pepper mayo, a slice of cheese, a tostada, mild salsa, lettuce, tomatoes and a star-shaped toasted tortilla? Sounds like heaven to me. You know what’s coming, right? So to my shock and astonishment upon my return to the states, the Wrapstar was nowhere to be found on the KFC menu! Had KFC and Yum! made a fatal error? Would I be forced to make another trip over the pond, just to get a glimpse of heaven?  So I did a little research and found that the Wrapstar was a strictly

U.K. launch aimed at the young, busy adult who eats lunch on the go. I’m a young, busy adult who eats lunch either on the go or while stuck behind my desk—I’m sure I would enjoy a Wrapstar. Even the ads for the Wrapstar reflect this demographic as a young office worker who is suffering from a rough day is temporarily eased of his suffering by a Wrapstar. I’ve had days like this; I’d like my suffering to be eased as well!

 As you can tell, the Wrapstar has made quite an impression on me, as it has been all I have been thinking about since my return from

Europe three weeks ago. I urge you, please, please, bring the Wrapstar to the

U.S. I will round up all of my Taco Bell converts and engage in Wrapstar launch parties all around the D.C. area. I’ll engage them all in a word of mouth marketing campaign to tout the deliciousness of the Wrapstar. I’ll even start a blog about the Wrapstar, targeted at the young adults to which this tortilla wrapped marvel has been designed for. I’ll do anything….just bring the Wrapstar to the States.  I thank you for your time and look forward to your response. Please don’t break this young, busy adult’s heart….  Regards, The Chef

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