Ghost Rider (don’t try this at home….)

This guy is one ballsy, idiotic Swede. The first link is him toying with the cops, and the last two are him completing a 43 mile trek in Stockholm in….FIFTEEN MINUTES. The dude averaged over 170 mph! To compare, D.C. to Baltimore is 40 miles- imagine that only taking 15 minutes.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=R0flRAlwrlc&feature=related

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How to Meet and Date A Stripper

in preperation for the up and coming festivals..I came across this great article by Brad Stuart

One of the most common activities to do at a bachelor party is to go to a strip club and enjoy some good ‘ole entertainment with you and your friends. There have been many bachelor party occasions when a guy actually comes back with a story about how he met a dancer at a club and either had sex with her that night of the bachelor party or started to date her outside of the club.

The question comes to many bachelor’s minds, “How do guys pull this off?”. I am here to tell you:

A strip club is no more than a place where girls go to work and make money, just like any other job, even though it involves taking their clothes off, placing their legs around their head and lap dancing! There are different types of women that work at a strip club just like there are many types of people at any job. The difference is that they are easier to watch and classify at a club which is your first clue. The following are a few types of women that work in strip clubs:
The Lesbian: Forget it guys…This girl is just there to work and go home to her girlfriend after a night of entertainment. She may fool you into giving you dances but you have no chance.

The Man Hater: There unfortunately is a type of woman who has been abused in the recent or distant past and is taking her aggression out on males at the club. She may be more into control than the others and will not be going home or giving her number out. If she does, she will give you a wrong number. She is there to make money off of you and get out of Dodge.

The Veteran: This dancer prays on bachelor party participants and will try and make as much money off of you as possible. She will be real flirtsey and act like your special…yea, special for the night you are there. She will invite you back for another night saying what time she gets to the club and hopes she sees you there (so she can make double the amount of money on you).

The Siamese Twin: These girls hang out in pairs and work the audience together. They will either ask one bachelor if they want a dance as a threesome or find a group of guys (like in a bachelor party) and work the group together. They are interested in competing for who can make the most and are most likely not interested in hanging out with you and the guys after.

The “Do You Want a Dance” Dancer: You can see this stripper coming from a mile away since she asks everyone and their father around you if they want to dance before they get to you. This is either a clueless girl or one that really doesn’t care about rejection or who they dance with.

The Date (The Golden Stripper): There is a certain type of woman that may have recently moved to a new place, is just starting out her career and needs more money, is a single mom needing to pay her bills or just someone who does not mind offering nude entertainment. The following are usually characteristics of this type of dancer:

She usually does not have many friends in the club since she keeps to herself. If she does know others in the club, it is usually only one other friend who she does not dance around.
She is usually selective and may walk around, getting a drink and sitting with others to talk, not always trying to find another poor soul looking for someone on his lap.
She is usually playful and will want to sit and talk before asking if you want a dance. There may even be a long stretch of time before the idea of getting a dance comes up.
When she does have to dance up on stage or go to the bathroom, she will state that she is coming back if you want her to.
She seems to want to have a nice conversation about things other than body parts and sexual positions.
The key to finding this type of girl is to keep all entertainment off of your lap until you find the one who you are attracted to and who wants to sit on your lap or a chair next to you (and not immediately ask if you want a dance). She will usually kid around with you and ask a whole bunch of questions, focusing on you and not looking around at who she will prey on next. It is important at this point to:

Buy her a drink if she is interested
Ask her genuine questions about who she is outside of the club
Don’t ask her for a dance and play it cool. If you do want a dance from her, wait at least 20-30 min before you ask, unless she brings it up first.
Be comfortable and confident in who you are. Don’t be a pig
See if you have anything in common (music, hobbies, interests) since it will bring you closer
After a while of clowning around and getting to know one-another, you may get a few dances from her by her offering or you offering. It is okay to enjoy the dance and let her know how much you enjoy it. Compliment her assets other than her ASSets. Focus on her hair, eyes, smile…you get it. She has enough men trying to grab her and squeeze her tits.

Time will fly if you find someone who you connect with and enjoy speaking and getting dances from. After a significant amount of time or if the bachelor party is going to leave, decide whether you want to stay. If you find yourself spending a lot of money on her, she may be faking you out and taking you for all your money. If you find the entertainer who wants to date, they will not be trying to milk you dry but spend more time with you sitting and talking. At some point after getting to know her, it is okay to let her know how much fun you are having and that you would like to see her outside of the club. At this point she may say:

No, I have a boyfriend or It is not company policy - It is time for you to go home with the other bachelor party participants or find another dancer if the night is young
Why don’t you come back tomorrow night and we can talk more - Can be a genuine request but feel out the situation to see if she is taking you for more money and no chance for a date.
Here is my card - Again, may lead to a dead end or a pager number that she will call you back on when she has time between her other dances with other guys.
Yes even though I usually don’t do this - This is what you wanted to here Just make sure she is not a hooker and wants to take you back to a room to ask you for money for services. You may be well on your way to having a story on how at your friend’s bachelor party you met your future wife! Believe me, it has happened since I have a few friends that married the dancers they met and are now working normal jobs and raising families.
It can happen to you as well. Enjoy the bachelor party!

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A Karmafull Day

So, I am almost to work and there is a merge section of the road and it is my turn to go and the lady on my left simply decided she wants to beat me and not let me in. her front bumper is clearly at the end of my car so there is NO reason it is not my turn..BUT she seems to feel the need to try to cut me off and speeds up…SO I do the what any other sane driver would do..I speed up to…So here we are going at it like a scene from nascar clip and the old hag just keeps at it..until I decided to play the nice guy and just give it to her since I find this being pointless and I will just highbeam her ASS nd scream at her once she gets in front…making me the better man in the circumstance.

So she makes the slip and cuts me off as I being the I amd Now Pissed Rituals of high beaming her and violently nodding my head and tossing my arms up to see is she notices cussing like 2 live crew in several languages in hopes she might get the idea she F**k up …..Well it seems she is clueless and I’m thinking to myself I should cut her off to try to get my point across that she needs to learn to drive but then the good angel pops up on my shoulder and I think , She will more than likely just cause an accident.

So what happens next is the best part….it seems we were coming to a new light and as all normal drivers the cars start t slow down for the traffic light and well I guess the almight karma being felt my pain since she was not paying attention and drove her car directly into the nice Mercedes right in front or her!….LOL..I rolled down the window while passing and waved…..LOL…what a great way to stat the day!……Karma!

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What Men Really Want For X-Mas

I was thinking about what i As a Fellow Male would want Santa to bring me for X-mas…Since the Fat Bastard never brings me good Sh*t Despite I leave Oreos..Out…Ok..I got them at Big Lots and their actually fake Oreos but like he knows…anyway…here is My Wish List

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You Know it Was a Good Night When…..

Regardless of gender, race, sexuality, ethnicity, or gender…wait, I already said that, we’ve all had those mornings when you wake up at the foot of your bed, covered only by the 2′ x 3′ Corona beach towel with the hot cartoon model that your girlfriend is embarrassed to see you bring to the beach every summer (that’s for another time), only to realize that you can’t remember one single thing from the previous night (thank St. Francis for the Guinness family!)….worse yet, some 200lbs. heffer with a half-eaten Double Whopper with Cheese resting between her chi-chis is asleep on your bed! Rather than doing the honorable thing and performing Seppuku and ending it all, just remember all the mornings when….

1.      You wake up in the morning and have to pull two dozen long hairs off of your Johnson before you can pee….

2. You wake up in the morning and you are wearing a pink thong that doesn’t belong to your ex-girlfriend…
3. You wake up next to the toilet and find that Bed Bath and Beyond gift certificate behind the tank.
4. You look in the toilet and find three condoms that weren’t used in a water balloon fight….
5. You take your morning piss and your nozzle is on spray instead of stream…..
6. You take your morning piss and your stream resembles the spreader gun in Contra….
7. Your boss calls you in the morning to ask why you haven’t been at work for a week and a half…..
8. You wake up next to a prostitute named Guadalupe and her screaming two year old, Fernando…..and you’re in Tijuana….
9. Your coworker asks you if you are wearing the same shirt you were wearing yesterday….
10. Your HR manager calls you into her office to discuss sexual harassment policy #XJ-39, and the list of approved Xerox machine usage.
11. You remember her name…..or don’t, it really doesn’t matter.
12. You wake up next to your best friend’s sister and not his mom for once….
13. You wake up in an empty jail cell, instead of in a cell with a 379lb. Black man named Tiny draped around you……like last weekend.
14. You wake up next to a girl that doesn’t look like Bea Arthur….
15. You wake up next to Courtney Love’s less slutty half sister named Amanda….
16. You wake up and find a tattoo on your penis and not Herve Villechaize from Fantasy Island….unlike that two week span in college when you thought you were gay.
17. You wake up to find a stripper pole has been installed in your kid’s playroom….
18. You wake up and find that Chief Runs Naked with Men has given you his daughter instead of his “pipe” to smoke….
19. You lucked out because the fat chow hound that you went home with left early to catch the $1.99 Grand Slam at Denny’s….
20. You wake up and find that you didn’t drunk text your ex-girlfriend to tell her that she is a cheating, hog smoking cunt….and that you still love her…..
21. The 6’4” blonde that you woke up next to doesn’t have a penis….
22. You didn’t wake up next to Tommy Lee….
23. Your mom lets you sleep in….
24. You wake up and “I’m an Ass Clown” isn’t written on your forehead in permanent marker…

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The Tree Saga

So a few mornings ago I’m lazily micturating before leaving for work, and I happen to glance out my window. Expecting to see the usual bushes, neighbor’s house, and perhaps a tweeting bird, what do I see? A SIXTY FOOT OAK TREE LYING DOWN IN MY BACKYARD. Apparently, as there was a storm during the night, my neighbor’s gargantuan tree crashed through their fence, and now 98% of it is in my backyard.  

Thinking that his insurance would cover it, I didn’t worry too much about it. Turns out, it’s a “natural occurrence”, and unless I can prove that it was diseased and he was negligent, his insurance won’t cover the cost to remove the tree. So then I call my own insurance, and they said since there wasn’t any damage to my house, they won’t cover anything, either.  
So now I’ve got this huge tree, that isn’t even mine, just CHILLIN in my backyard. Considering how small my backyard is, it’s literally a miracle it didn’t hit our house or shed (or worse…my Ducati…that’s right, that’d be worse than my house ;)).

We go over to talk to the neighbor about it, as they hadn’t even had the courtesy to call us or come over to talk about it, and they basically said what the insurance companies said- it’s OUR problem, deal with it. I mean, hey, maybe they’d want to split the cost of the tree removal guy. Nope.

The moral of this story (other than let me know if you need firewood)? See below: 

 Even when you are having a really bad day,

 

someone will still screw you. 

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My letter to KFC and parent Yum! Brands

November 21, 2007

 Thought you guys might get a kick out of this letter that I sent to KFC parent company, Yum!  Brands after I was tantalized by KFC’s new “Wrapstar” which is only available in the

 UK. Apparently, I have nothing better to do then write letters to fast food companies—I’m still  convinced that I was the reason Chipotle made it to Bmore—to beg them for food……anyway,  enjoy.

 ************************************ Hello. My name is The Chef and I’m a publicist and loyal Yum! Brands consumer—Taco Bell & Long John Silvers. On a recent trip to

Europe I was stopped dead in my tracks when I saw that KFC had a new item on the menu–The Wrapstar. I have been singing praises for Taco Bell’s “Crunch Wrap Supreme” since the first day that it hit the market and have converted hundreds of long-time Taco Bell detractors to once again, “run for the border” convincing them to “think outside of the bun.” Again, I’m in PR, so I understand the value of good word of mouth marketing, but I digress.  Unfortunately, during my time in the

U.K., I was never able to make it to KFC to try out the new Wrapstar, but promised myself that when I returned to the States, that the first thing that I would do is head to KFC to try one out. Now, I probably haven’t set foot in a KFC for at least 10 years–I’ve grown up on Popeye’s Chicken—but I figured, “hey, if this Wrapstar is even close to as good as the Crunch Wrap, well then I may have to make a switch.” And how could it not be good? I mean, two crispy chicken strips, pepper mayo, a slice of cheese, a tostada, mild salsa, lettuce, tomatoes and a star-shaped toasted tortilla? Sounds like heaven to me. You know what’s coming, right? So to my shock and astonishment upon my return to the states, the Wrapstar was nowhere to be found on the KFC menu! Had KFC and Yum! made a fatal error? Would I be forced to make another trip over the pond, just to get a glimpse of heaven?  So I did a little research and found that the Wrapstar was a strictly

U.K. launch aimed at the young, busy adult who eats lunch on the go. I’m a young, busy adult who eats lunch either on the go or while stuck behind my desk—I’m sure I would enjoy a Wrapstar. Even the ads for the Wrapstar reflect this demographic as a young office worker who is suffering from a rough day is temporarily eased of his suffering by a Wrapstar. I’ve had days like this; I’d like my suffering to be eased as well!

 As you can tell, the Wrapstar has made quite an impression on me, as it has been all I have been thinking about since my return from

Europe three weeks ago. I urge you, please, please, bring the Wrapstar to the

U.S. I will round up all of my Taco Bell converts and engage in Wrapstar launch parties all around the D.C. area. I’ll engage them all in a word of mouth marketing campaign to tout the deliciousness of the Wrapstar. I’ll even start a blog about the Wrapstar, targeted at the young adults to which this tortilla wrapped marvel has been designed for. I’ll do anything….just bring the Wrapstar to the States.  I thank you for your time and look forward to your response. Please don’t break this young, busy adult’s heart….  Regards, The Chef

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