The Holy Grail Of Men Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down       Finally , the guys’ side of the story.
( I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear ‘ the rules ‘
From the female side.     Now here are the rules from the male side.    

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘
ON PURPOSE!  
1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Yes, sexy lingerie still looks great on you, so please wear it!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -  
 to give them a bigger laugh

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That’s All I Have to Say About That….

I’m not going to say anything about this post. I’m just posting it. That is all….

How We Met:
We were introduced through my old roommate, [name omitted for security purposes], at that time she was my manager at Victoria Secret. Her and [name omitted for security purposes] had been friends for sometime and one night after work I went with her to meet him out for a few drinks. We would hang out with [name omitted for security purposes] and his roommates once in a while and go out dancing. About a year after we first met me, [name omitted for security purposes], [name omitted for security purposes] and his roommates all went to the beach for a weekend. [name omitted for security purposes] and I had a chance to spend some time together that weekend and we obviously felt a connection because when we returned home we started hanging out a lot more. We have spent pretty much every day together since then.

How We Got Engaged:
[name omitted for security purposes] said that he wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate his first paycheck at his new job, I didn’t think to much of it and said okay. We were in the middle of Phase 1 of the South Beach diet so our restaurant options were pretty much limited to seafood so [name omitted for security purposes] had me choose between 2 very nice places in Geargetown. I told him that we did not need to go to such an expensive place, he said to just pick one, so I picked Tommy & Joes on the waterfront. Now that I look back on that day I can pick out so many different things that should have given away the fact that he was planning to do something special that night. We got to the restuarant and were seated, we ordered or food and some wine. While we were eating we somehow got into a discussion about marriage. Of course that was my opening to make a comment about us not being engaged. He told me that guys don’t think about that stuff all of the time. I said that that is exactly why I have to make my comments, this way it stays fresh in his mind I told him that the least he could do is tell me that he loves me very much and that he does want to spend the rest of his life with. At that time he said, “Well, I do love you and I do want to spend the rest of my life with you, so WILL YOU MARRY ME?” This whole time I had my head down playing with my food on my plate, once he said that last par I looked up and went straight into shock. I always thought I would cry my eyes out when he did this but all I could do was say “Nuh uh! Are you serious?” I then paused for about 30 seconds not saying anything, then he was like “sooooo?” At that point I of course said “YES!” I stayed in shock for a few days after that

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The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. “Football.” b. “Golf.” c. “How fat you are.” d. “How I would spend the insurance money if you died.”

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: “Yes!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include: a. “Oh yeah, sh*tloads.” b. “Would it make you feel better if I said yes?” c. “That depends on what you mean by love.” d. “Does it matter?” e. “Who, me?”

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect answers are: a. “Compared to what?” b. “I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.” c. “A little extra weight looks good on you.” d. “I’ve seen fatter.” e. “Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.”

Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include: a. “Yes, but you have a better personality.” b. “Not prettier, but definitely thinner.” c. “Not as pretty as you when you were her age.” d. “Define pretty.” e. “Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.”

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Ferrari and a boat.”)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not — don’t you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Man: Okay, I’d get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can’t use them — she’s left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.

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